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Thursday, February 12, 2009

This is an apology for all the shampoo I have been stealing.

I am writing this in an attempt to clear my karmic state for all of the dabs of shampoo I have been stealing from people.

I am sorry.

Its just your shampoo(s) are so much nicer than I could ever hope to buy. Sometimes its fruity, sometimes its dandruff free, and often it just has a really nice color.

I relish in your infinite tints of golden, red, blue, yellow and white . I bath and froth my hair in your myriad of different smells. I am an addict, and probably need some help.

While I have your half baked attention, let me indulge you gentle reader, in a tale of a German shampoo. A shampoo so great that it brought a tear to my eye and a gentle tingling sensation to my scalp.

The bottle was what caught my attention at first. It was shaped like one I had never seen before. Gentle sloping arches inter spaced with sharp corners set in the perfect places. It was almost as if the bottle had been crafted knowing that one day a half man, half brown boy would be stealing some of the nectar contained inside.

I had to try some.

Eyes widening in anticipation, I grabbed the container. It fell so right in my hands, it was dare I say... shampoo destiny? My life's path it seemed, had led me to this moment and there was no way I was going to let it go.

Opening the cap and turning the bottle sideways I remember feeling a quick pang of guilt. However, I shrugged away my consciousness in a superficial attempt to satisfy my own curiosity. The silky smooth golden liquid oozed out onto my hands. I knew I had made the right decision. This was meant to be.

Running the beautiful solvent through my hair was almost (almost) as satisfying as sex. Soft, lavenderish odors gently caressed my nostrils. Even my sideburns screamed with pleasure. As I rinsed and toweled off I felt a sense of loss. I would never have another shampoo experience like this ever again, this much I knew.

So I wept. I shed tears of pleasure and loss. Then I stopped because I hadn't washed my face off too well and a little bit of shampoo got in my eyeball so it started to burn really bad. You know the feeling.

Goodbye you amazing German shampoo who's name I dont remember. You will be missed.

This started out as a sort of apology didn't it? And I also cant believe that I wrote a novel about me stealing shampoo. What the hell.

PS: I opened up a bank account today. The middle aged indian lady who was helping me, kept making inappropriate comments. Listen, I'm sure your nice and all, but NO I don't want to have sex with you. For serious, it was a little unnerving. Like all I wanted was to open up an account and not be propositioned with "a drink at my place after work", by a haggard old woman.

k. bye.

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