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Wednesday, February 18, 2009

The Mundane to the Profane.

A life being lived through measured madness.
Some may peek into my window and gasp at its haphazard arrangement.

"Thats not supposed to be there you asshole! What kind of self respecting human being boils his water in the fireplace?!"

I have been called a fool and I have been called a lost little boy. Some go even as far as to say, I know nothing. A withering idiot who refuses to accept a good thing when slapped in the face with it.

Perhaps its true. My mind doesnt work like most peoples, this much I know. I see patterns, I see paths, I see trails. If you give me A, I will find Z. Maybe this frightens people, or maybe I am nothing but an idiot. A simpleton existing in a fantasy world with just enough know how to survive this reality. It is conciveable.

I am however, a jumblefuck of many things. A pragmatic, an optimist, a cynic, a pessimist. There is no definition to me. I exist in a perpetual blur and enjoy coloring outside the lines.

Why? Im not entirely sure. Maybe it has something to do with my childhood. Living in a world where extreme hate exists only because your parents told you to believe in this god. Where men, women, and children slowly die and collapse in onto themselves. A place where the indocternation of ideoligy is so strong that even questioning is frowned upon.

Or maybe it has something to do with my adolescence. Growing up around people that have it so good, they have to make up reasons for people to feel sorry for them. A place where societal conformation requires the need to create a personality, only to have it stamped on so you can once more fit in with the rest of the ticky tacky boxes.

I am a culmination of all of it. And yet I remain an outsider. I dont fit in. I never have, and I dont think I ever will. I am glad for that.

There are times when I want to just accept. Turn my brain off, eat my KFC and nod.

"Yes sir."
"No problem sir."
"It will be on your desk by 5pm today Mr. Jacobs."

But I cant. I wont.

I have always had issues with authority. The police (no I dont steal cars jackass), teachers, "neccesary" institutions, parents etc. Its not that I dont/cant listen to someone who has my best interests at heart, its the fact that you PRETEND to know what my best interests are. Dont ever, EVER think that you have me understood. As close as I may be to you, you dont. And you never will. Please do me this one favor and I will always extend it back to you.

The only reason so much hate and anger exists between humans is because we think we have each other figured out! If you are always a mystery to me, then I am always in awe of you. You are a prisim with an infinite amount of facets. Whatever you are willing to show me I will accept graciously and explore with unbridled tenacity.

We are who we are. To have shame in that is the greatest folly one can make. Relish in your moment, because you are beautiful.

And now I drink. lol.
Im pretty sure I just negated everything I wrote down with that last sentence.

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