Since I feel especially honest today, I feel like I should be getting something off my chest. Im scared. Terrified. I dont know whats going to happen to me. This is one of the few times in my life, where I am genuinely at a loss for what to do.
I want to feel like everything is going to be ok. I want to feel like I have nothing to worry about, but I cant. My hand is trembling as I write this.
I have no safety net. Its either break through, or bust down in a crumpled heap. The worst part is, I know the polarities are going to be that extreme. My stubborn ass refuses to accept any less. I had a good thing going on in vancouver, so why did I leave? What innate drive within me is constantly pushing for something more? What am I searching for? As much as I like to say that Im content, I know Im not. Should I be searching? Should I always be wanting? Perhaps thats my ego making its last stand. Lord knows Iv beaten it everywhere else. Maybe this is a ceaseless battle within myself that is never going to be resolved.
A wise man once told me, if you recognize truth; everything becomes easy. Know, you cannot reach truth through logical constraints. Know truth encompasses all.
But does the feeling of utter hopelessness also dissipate? The feeling of waiting for something that will never come? I would have to concede the fact that perhaps I do not know truth. Maybe I have caught a glimpse and then filled in the rest of the picture with what I think it should be. Or maybe truth does not exist. An imaginary friend created to piss away the rainy day.
I just want to be held. I want someone to say its going to be ok. This however is not going to happen, so I have to place armor upon myself. Plates of the strongest metal. Become a warrior. A chink will allow any sword to drive through and shatter a heart. I cannot let this happen.
Faith. Life. Believe.