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Friday, May 1, 2009

Hate Mail

Dear Smiths Snack Food Company,

As per your consumer quality guarantee, I am not satisfied with your “Twisties” product and have taken drastic steps in letting you know this. These measures will mostly consist of this letter, a lifetime barring of your cheesie like product, and some diarrhea.

Now, I have many problems with your food like substance, but the one that irks me the most, is that your Wikipedia entry claims it to be the “number one extruded snack brand.” Really? Does this mean that other humans (I only assume humans, but I could be wrong), willingly eat this garbage on a regular basis? Have you coated the strands of the “knobby surfaced” stick with some kind of mind control? In all honesty, that is the only explanation I have, considering you also sell this junk in chicken flavor!

“Hey Bob, you hungry?”
“Yea man, I could really go for some cheese and chicken flavored powder on dried corn right about now!”
“Well fucking hell Bob, have I got the product for you!”

Another gripe that I have (among many), is your slogan. Although your wiki entry states different, my bag shows your slogan as being, “Life is more fun with...TWISTIES!”

Is it? Is it fucking really!? Should I be fucking dancing on the table with a bag of twisties in my hand? Maybe next time instead of charm and humor, I’ll just bring a FUCKING BAG OF TWISTIES TO THE PARTY!

What about relationships huh? Should I be screaming cheesy delights while my girlfriend silently cries in the corner?

“Don’t worry about it baby, I GOT FUCKING TWISTIES ON MY SIDE!”

*Deep breath*

I could go on, but it seems along with bowel issues, your product also causes heart problems. I thank you for your time and hope your company soon falls into the proverbial gutter.



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