I farted in a Safeway today.

Ch. 1

Im not too sure what to say, as I don't really remember most of what happened. I have however managed to piece together the particulars of the event based on testimonials of both the police and my sobbing father. I honestly don't think any of this is necessary, but Dr. Monroe has informed me that sharing close personal information with strangers on the internet can begin the healing process and start the path towards great personal success.

Let me preface the entirety of what I am about to spout out next, by saying that since childhood I have suffered from a terrible affliction. This sickness has ruined my young life more times than I care to imagine and contrary to popular belief, Consecotaleophobia is nothing to shake a stick at. Often described as the Japanese cultural serial killer, this phobia is the basis of my racism and has intensified my hatred towards the Jewish people. Yes, I said it. Fuck the Zionists.

Now I realize the following tale may require a suspension of disbelief, but my medical bracelet and shattered ego does not lie nor take kindly to those smug looks on all your faces. This is a very serious matter and I hope that something like this never begets your mothers sons or comes up in your weekly mahjong meetings. It is at this faithful moment that I quote Bob from checkout lane #3.

"Hey motherfucker”.
That shit is disgusting."

The saga began as any legendary story would. The tequila was flowing, pastry dishes littered the bathroom counter and the harmonica sang its faithful tune to the deaf mute sitting on the white floral couch. Why Edwardo was there in the first place never really came into my immediate awareness as tidy Colombians with no hangups about double dipping are usually pretty OK with me. It was after a particularly beautiful rendition of Chopin's Nocturne in G minor, that hunger began its slow march over the empty cascades of my throbbing stomach.

"It seems the taquitos are running low Escobar. What say you? Shall we hit the grocery mart?"

Edwardo, who I only assume was lost in the thralls of Chopins beauty, stared blankly at the ceiling, glazed unmoving homogenized eyes filled with rapture.

"Si Edwardo, Si. You are correct. The steed will react too unfavorably to another rider, its hooves move much too fast and for real dude I only have one helmet. I really don't want to get another ticket. I hope you understand man."

Edwardo, the sweet Colombian he was, indicated he understood my plight with a gentle flopping of his body. He reminded me of a fish I once caught at summer camp, its slimy cold skin protruding far from its bony ribs while lips exhausted themselves from the heavy repetitive work. Up and down. Up and down its body went, eyes finally rolling away into the darkness beyond.

"Yes Edwardo, it is only after 10 hours that I finally understand your strange customs. You are a man of immense beauty my friend and I hope your soul, yes, I hope it shines on with the flames of a thousand suns."

With that goodbye I flew out of the house and rode hard to the edge of the road where a stop sign lay poised ready to strike.

"HALT!" the red dragon screamed, "YOU. SHALL. NOT. PASS!"

"What foul treachery is this?" I whispered feverishly. "Does this nave not know who lays before it? I believe such idiocy could only be the result of some new witchery which I am not yet aware of. Perhaps a good hee-haw will show this beast who is champion here! AT YOU MONSTER!"

With a battle cry gurgling out of my chapped lips I swung my horse around and charged towards the awaiting enemy. It was a vicious battle dear reader, oh my. The sounds of metal and scraping hooves filled the morning air. It was after many seconds that I finally achieved victory and although my steed lay bare at my feet I arose refreshed, head held high with the satisfaction of a job well done.

There remained only three things on my mind at this point. Edwardo, taquitos and the opportunity to collect some Airmile points. There was only one place in the entirety of the kingdom where such riches gathered, the local Safeway and I knew I had to get there.