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Thursday, January 28, 2010

Lets talk about the iPad

And lets talk about how much of embarrassment I feel for being an Apple fanboy this day. Look, I love apple products I do. I love my mac, my iPods and the fact that I can act like a pretentious hipster nerd because I walk around with a fruit stamped on my electronics.

This is all well and good, but goddamn Apple did you ever drop the ball on this one. I had much hope in the rumors that flooded the market prior to your less than stellar debut. There was concept art, app speculation, hardware theorists and boys and girls with multi-functionality based wet dreams. Oh what joy you inspired! I think I even saw some Steve Job's hentai at one point.

But then, judgment day came. The clouds gathered as the wind blew its fruitful tune. The echos of steel hooves trembled upon an empty stage. Job's was near, and he had a message. An industry up onto himself, Steve took the stage with such pomp and swagger that his very presence struck fear into his competitors hearts. His speech debasing the validity of the Netbook culture spawned such confused hearts that the salivating customer could only be reached by one logical conclusion. The iPad HAD to be near perfect. No?


It seemed Job's idiocy had reached new heights that day. His words were a slap to the face, the intelligent consumer, and a pander to the ignorant globalized denominator. Fun.

Let me remind you dear reader that he WILLFULLY launched a product that even though holds a one gig specialzed processor, it is only able to run one app at a time. Only one. This means no browsing the net while listening to my itunes, no watching a movie while running my message client in the background. Zero application multi-tasking. Can you imagine what sort of idiocy must have been allowed to take root for such crowned thinking to over-rule? Job's can.

Seriously, what is wrong with you? How do you even fathom, much less instill a moronic decision like this? What skewed version of a professional or urban youth does your marketing team believe in?! Either the hamster left its cage, or you got some serious firing to do.

In addition to this horrendous OS limitation, Steve somehow also managed to forget to include flash on launch. So, in addition to not being able to multi-task, I guess youtube is also out of the picture as is any web based divx website. Brilliant.

But wait, I have more good news! This oversized and overpriced "pad" also doesn't seem come with any built in camera OR USB PORT. I guess having to pay an extra $50 to use any of my peripherals, including my $20 memory stick, will feel like money well spent. Nice.

I suppose the iPads only saving grace is the blazing fast 3G network and the ability to use some iTouch and iPhone apps. I suppose a dedicated internet reader is not out of the question but with such abysmally low critical acclaim worldwide, will developers even care to do anything else with the product? Or will it fall to the wayside of the Macbook Air and Apple TV? What niche market do you expect this to fill when even a camera or multi-conferencing capabilities are out of the question.

The too much money and need to look cool population? Probably.

Oh Apple, like many before me have said if I wanted an e-book reader I would have bought a Kindle. Not your overpriced pad which by the way, could have had serious potential even as an art tablet. Alas, it seems silicon valley is littered with the dreams of the naive and innocent.

So here is to you, iPad, my oversized iTouch. May you suck the pennies from the daughters father, and may your profit margin once again expand as you rake in millions with your overpriced and under-functional product.


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