I hate Old Spice. Here are the reasons why.

1. You do not smell like spice (False advertising, I am going to sue you).

2. You do however, smell old.

• Thats nasty.
• I now smell like death.
• The old guy sitting in the lobby now thinks I am his long dead best friend. Thanks. Assholes.

3. The plastic casing is red and the deoderant itself is blue.

• My fashion sense is sensative, and your contrast of colors is an impediment of good looking things everywhere. Someone should sue you for this.

4.  I do not own a sailboat, and your logo with said sailboat hurts my feelings.

• Fuck you.

5. Your deoderant gave me rash under my armpit once.

• Thank your gods that I did not use this on my pubes.
• Also, I am going to sue you for this, again. I also took pictures. I have evidence. 

So it seems Old Spice, my once dear friend, that we are at an impass. My need to sue you and your continued need to suck have reached a boiling point. Arm your pens and draw your contracts because today, you messed with the wrong body odor.

I call a jihad on you Old Spice, on one dirty perspired drip at a time.

*Note to the US/Canadian/EU governments: I am not a terrorist. And I apologize for the jihad comment. No more I promise.

PS: Please take me off your list. Paweese?